Overtime

Once again. I have been called to work overtime at the department. I enjoy this time because it gives me a chance to work with some of the other's that I have not seen in a while.
The feeling of family it so strong with the poeple that I work with. A brotherhood that can not be found else where with the exception of the milatary.

The day is long working on a ladder truck. I am what they call the Irons man. When a fire comes in I have an ax and a halagan tool to open doors and force my way in to allow the hose team to get at the fire, I am at the forfont of the attack. no protection from the flames as I make my way into the house and continue to pave a path for the interior attack team on the hose.
Once I have made a path for hose team, I begin the search for victims overcome by smoke and heat, at the same time trying to find ways to vent smoke from the building.

But thats getting off the story. I continue to look into myself and try and find the answers to what will be next for me. I have to work on not being such a Jerk. and make a difference in the lives of people that support me and give me strenght in my life. My wife and daughter are that and more. I have caused such pain in both I don't know how either one of them is going to ever forgive me.
I think that most of what I do to them is out of anger, or anguis, but the fact that I think that it's ok to take it out on them is something that I will have to work on.
That's why I have been reading my good friends Book (John Cowart's blogs-2005, )I feel that some highter power brought me to his house. Or maybe it's the fact that Some how someway I feel better when I spend sometime with him.

Either way I have been reading his book as a guide to family life. Not his family but how he handles some of the problems and stresses of his life, maybe in someway I can find the same patients and compassion that he shares with others to rub off on me.

Anyway John if you ever read this I hope you know, That although your daughter and I did not remain together, She was a good wife and companion and I hope see can forgive me..... I know the reason we did not stay together was totally My responsibility. as a husband and friend I failed.

Maybe getting some of this burden out in the open will make my life better in the future a little lighter to carrie.

HOPE>