just life

My little girl is so sweet. she loves her daddy so much, Sometimes I miss her when I am at work so much that I just can't fall to sleep thinking about her and what she is up too. I watched some old vids of her last night and it was hard to remember her being so small. but like all things must get bigger.
I remember the day that I was at home with my little girl, in the morning she came out to say goodbye, I was leaving for work and she came out and gave me a great big hug around my neck it was so tight and she cried on my shoulder, broke my heart to leave her that morning. On the way to work I could still feel that hug around my neck, and tears began to fill my eyes, had to remove my glasses and wipe my eyes, the tears made it hard to see.
That day at work started as usual with us having to take the fire engine over to pump test it. which means several hours of work around a loud engine. mid summer and dirty. In the middle of my pump test I climbed up into the cab of the fire truck to check my engine gauges and make sure everything is where it's suppose to be at, When over the radio I heard my name being called,, which is a "no no" on the radio no names. I picked up the radio and replyed. The voice on the other end was a Captain on the Rescue that rides out of the same station I am at. The voice sounded subdude. He advised me to call him, as I went for my cell phone I noticed 6 missed calls. Litte did I know my world had just ended. Nothing in this world could hurt me. Except one.
Several people from anna's school tried to call me and as I listened to the voice mail. The first one was from an assistant from the office of anna's school. She had a seizure at school and she is on her way to the hospital... Now just a seizure is one thing and I knew that we could work with this. But as I got to the hospital the officer on rescue informed me that she is doing ok and walked with me into the emergency room doors explaining to me that she is now on life support. Life Support my anna is on life support. This can't be happening, My whole world was on life support. nothing in this world mattered anymore. my life is hanging by a thread on this machine.

It took a while before they would let us into the room to see her. they were doing everything they could possible do. ( And I Knew that) they put my wife and I in the quite room and told us we could see her in a little bit. There with the school principle and the pastor. we sat, my head in my hands sitting there tears streaming down my face. the voices in the room were whispers in the dark. thoughts of my little girl playing on the swings and running around the yard playing tag with daddy. swimming in the pool and diving down to the bottom of the pool all by herself and comming up to the top with a smile that would brighen the darkest night, pride in this and so many other things she has done now run through my head. And still there was nothing else I could do, The thoughts of prayer were only for those that needed it, those in dispair. those that were hungry and needed food. But pray for my little girl, I could not even begin to pray. I felt that if I were to do that, then I was praying for my dispair. my selfless needs. Anna would have prayed for me. why could I not pray for her, she would have ask God in one of those heart felt prayers for her daddy.

Finally, the nurse came into the quite room and told us to follow her. Walking in silence, we approached a curtain and on the otherside my little girl lay on a small table with tubes, wires, iv's lifeless, medications keeping her asleep, at least I thought. but later the doctor told us that she was not asleep because of the meds. she just was not waking up. How helpless I felt. Just wanting to pick her up in my arms and hug her.