just life

My little girl is so sweet. she loves her daddy so much, Sometimes I miss her when I am at work so much that I just can't fall to sleep thinking about her and what she is up too. I watched some old vids of her last night and it was hard to remember her being so small. but like all things must get bigger.
I remember the day that I was at home with my little girl, in the morning she came out to say goodbye, I was leaving for work and she came out and gave me a great big hug around my neck it was so tight and she cried on my shoulder, broke my heart to leave her that morning. On the way to work I could still feel that hug around my neck, and tears began to fill my eyes, had to remove my glasses and wipe my eyes, the tears made it hard to see.
That day at work started as usual with us having to take the fire engine over to pump test it. which means several hours of work around a loud engine. mid summer and dirty. In the middle of my pump test I climbed up into the cab of the fire truck to check my engine gauges and make sure everything is where it's suppose to be at, When over the radio I heard my name being called,, which is a "no no" on the radio no names. I picked up the radio and replyed. The voice on the other end was a Captain on the Rescue that rides out of the same station I am at. The voice sounded subdude. He advised me to call him, as I went for my cell phone I noticed 6 missed calls. Litte did I know my world had just ended. Nothing in this world could hurt me. Except one.
Several people from anna's school tried to call me and as I listened to the voice mail. The first one was from an assistant from the office of anna's school. She had a seizure at school and she is on her way to the hospital... Now just a seizure is one thing and I knew that we could work with this. But as I got to the hospital the officer on rescue informed me that she is doing ok and walked with me into the emergency room doors explaining to me that she is now on life support. Life Support my anna is on life support. This can't be happening, My whole world was on life support. nothing in this world mattered anymore. my life is hanging by a thread on this machine.

It took a while before they would let us into the room to see her. they were doing everything they could possible do. ( And I Knew that) they put my wife and I in the quite room and told us we could see her in a little bit. There with the school principle and the pastor. we sat, my head in my hands sitting there tears streaming down my face. the voices in the room were whispers in the dark. thoughts of my little girl playing on the swings and running around the yard playing tag with daddy. swimming in the pool and diving down to the bottom of the pool all by herself and comming up to the top with a smile that would brighen the darkest night, pride in this and so many other things she has done now run through my head. And still there was nothing else I could do, The thoughts of prayer were only for those that needed it, those in dispair. those that were hungry and needed food. But pray for my little girl, I could not even begin to pray. I felt that if I were to do that, then I was praying for my dispair. my selfless needs. Anna would have prayed for me. why could I not pray for her, she would have ask God in one of those heart felt prayers for her daddy.

Finally, the nurse came into the quite room and told us to follow her. Walking in silence, we approached a curtain and on the otherside my little girl lay on a small table with tubes, wires, iv's lifeless, medications keeping her asleep, at least I thought. but later the doctor told us that she was not asleep because of the meds. she just was not waking up. How helpless I felt. Just wanting to pick her up in my arms and hug her.

Babies daddy

Sorry its been a few days since my last post. Sometimes I have to step back and reqroup. Sorry about the things I said in my last blog. And thank's John.

Now back to my life. Its not much but it's mine. today reminded me just how wonderful the gift of life is. Why yes, a little baby boy was born just 3 weeks a go to, I am guessing a very happy mom. Or was it. let me see, the mother just happends to be 13 yr's old. which she had to have a C-section because her pelvic area is not yet developed. so she can not pass a baby out of her vigina. And so that just makes me want to ask. Where is the babies daddy???? where is the proud father. who is this man out wandering the streets looking to father another baby maybe with your daughter.
Now you may not like what I have said here. but it's ok for the 13 yr old to have a baby and what about the sperm donor. bet you don't think he's a bad guy. you pass him on the street and he looks at you and your young daughter walking next to you and smiles back at you, and you smile at him. it's ok because he did not say bad things about people on the blog. just me because I am out spoken. I say what you don't want to hear. you just think I am such an ass. but hey the sperm donor whom takes no responsiblity for anything, and bleeds off of the goverment system. yes when that 13 yr old girl goes down for goverment help guess who is going to get a part of the money. and hey if he get's more girls knocked up then hey he has got a nice pay check.

So why do I show so much anger. why do I hate people that pull this kind of crap. And yet when the bell rings who will be out there doing what ever I can to make your suffering and pain go away. Who will have compassion when I come into your house tonite and find your husband or wife lying there lifeless on the bed. and you look into my eyes and, you look for hope. will the sperm donor be there. what about that football player that you watched tonite. No. I will be this really warm loving caring guy... who get's so mad at people. but I won't stop doing what I do best. try and make the pain go away.


I have honor and pride, I stand tall when people look at me. I am not ashamed. I turn the other cheek when people are mean to me. So why am I the one who feels I suffer. And what about my family whom I hide my life from. They don't know. And will never know.

Oh and by the way, while we were there with the 13 year old was having stomach pain. the mother of this 13 year old was shopping at wal-mart and could not be bothered with this young girls problems, she continued to shop and did not think anymore about her daughter. or did she. NO SHE DID NOT> she lives off the system and when she got her goverment chesse check she was going shopping and nothing was going to stop her not even her sick daughter. But I am the asshole.

law braker

I did it again. I broke the law. I should be in jail. beatin with reeds' think about it. A black male with a new insulin. pump. lying there with jso. holding him while he has seizure's in the front of winn dixie. white male. with the abilithy to give this man what he needs' I could have started an INT. with a D50 push. and giving him the life saving drug that he needs' but wait what about rescue. where are they"

They are not yet on-scene. but this man need's D50 his pulse ox level. says that he is 88% o2 level. most of us are at 97% o2 level. so what do I do now. This man is dieing. and the family is standing over me saying save my son.. But the law say's do not start and INT and push D50 which would save this man's life and stop his convulsun.


What do you think happen"""??????????