This is for my good friend John. I guess that Jenn did not want to talk to me. I know that we have some bad blood between us and that's good for me. But you have met Anna and since then she has become more from the accident then she was then. And I guess that I wanted her to meet someone that I have a lot of Respect for. I know that sounds like a load but She has done so much and I guess that I wanted her to meet someone of her equal and at least give her something that she can build with. Jenn has some much to offer and with that she gave me alot. and I was just hoping that she could share with my daughter. But I guess selfless and selfish is just a matter of spelling. not what WWJD think about it. a woman of the street. and he treated her just like anybody else, no bad feelings
So Jen I am asking you. to please share with my daughter. Nothing more. What do you have to loose. ????
Monday, October 1, 2007
Sunday, September 9, 2007
just life
My little girl is so sweet. she loves her daddy so much, Sometimes I miss her when I am at work so much that I just can't fall to sleep thinking about her and what she is up too. I watched some old vids of her last night and it was hard to remember her being so small. but like all things must get bigger.
I remember the day that I was at home with my little girl, in the morning she came out to say goodbye, I was leaving for work and she came out and gave me a great big hug around my neck it was so tight and she cried on my shoulder, broke my heart to leave her that morning. On the way to work I could still feel that hug around my neck, and tears began to fill my eyes, had to remove my glasses and wipe my eyes, the tears made it hard to see.
That day at work started as usual with us having to take the fire engine over to pump test it. which means several hours of work around a loud engine. mid summer and dirty. In the middle of my pump test I climbed up into the cab of the fire truck to check my engine gauges and make sure everything is where it's suppose to be at, When over the radio I heard my name being called,, which is a "no no" on the radio no names. I picked up the radio and replyed. The voice on the other end was a Captain on the Rescue that rides out of the same station I am at. The voice sounded subdude. He advised me to call him, as I went for my cell phone I noticed 6 missed calls. Litte did I know my world had just ended. Nothing in this world could hurt me. Except one.
Several people from anna's school tried to call me and as I listened to the voice mail. The first one was from an assistant from the office of anna's school. She had a seizure at school and she is on her way to the hospital... Now just a seizure is one thing and I knew that we could work with this. But as I got to the hospital the officer on rescue informed me that she is doing ok and walked with me into the emergency room doors explaining to me that she is now on life support. Life Support my anna is on life support. This can't be happening, My whole world was on life support. nothing in this world mattered anymore. my life is hanging by a thread on this machine.
It took a while before they would let us into the room to see her. they were doing everything they could possible do. ( And I Knew that) they put my wife and I in the quite room and told us we could see her in a little bit. There with the school principle and the pastor. we sat, my head in my hands sitting there tears streaming down my face. the voices in the room were whispers in the dark. thoughts of my little girl playing on the swings and running around the yard playing tag with daddy. swimming in the pool and diving down to the bottom of the pool all by herself and comming up to the top with a smile that would brighen the darkest night, pride in this and so many other things she has done now run through my head. And still there was nothing else I could do, The thoughts of prayer were only for those that needed it, those in dispair. those that were hungry and needed food. But pray for my little girl, I could not even begin to pray. I felt that if I were to do that, then I was praying for my dispair. my selfless needs. Anna would have prayed for me. why could I not pray for her, she would have ask God in one of those heart felt prayers for her daddy.
Finally, the nurse came into the quite room and told us to follow her. Walking in silence, we approached a curtain and on the otherside my little girl lay on a small table with tubes, wires, iv's lifeless, medications keeping her asleep, at least I thought. but later the doctor told us that she was not asleep because of the meds. she just was not waking up. How helpless I felt. Just wanting to pick her up in my arms and hug her.
I remember the day that I was at home with my little girl, in the morning she came out to say goodbye, I was leaving for work and she came out and gave me a great big hug around my neck it was so tight and she cried on my shoulder, broke my heart to leave her that morning. On the way to work I could still feel that hug around my neck, and tears began to fill my eyes, had to remove my glasses and wipe my eyes, the tears made it hard to see.
That day at work started as usual with us having to take the fire engine over to pump test it. which means several hours of work around a loud engine. mid summer and dirty. In the middle of my pump test I climbed up into the cab of the fire truck to check my engine gauges and make sure everything is where it's suppose to be at, When over the radio I heard my name being called,, which is a "no no" on the radio no names. I picked up the radio and replyed. The voice on the other end was a Captain on the Rescue that rides out of the same station I am at. The voice sounded subdude. He advised me to call him, as I went for my cell phone I noticed 6 missed calls. Litte did I know my world had just ended. Nothing in this world could hurt me. Except one.
Several people from anna's school tried to call me and as I listened to the voice mail. The first one was from an assistant from the office of anna's school. She had a seizure at school and she is on her way to the hospital... Now just a seizure is one thing and I knew that we could work with this. But as I got to the hospital the officer on rescue informed me that she is doing ok and walked with me into the emergency room doors explaining to me that she is now on life support. Life Support my anna is on life support. This can't be happening, My whole world was on life support. nothing in this world mattered anymore. my life is hanging by a thread on this machine.
It took a while before they would let us into the room to see her. they were doing everything they could possible do. ( And I Knew that) they put my wife and I in the quite room and told us we could see her in a little bit. There with the school principle and the pastor. we sat, my head in my hands sitting there tears streaming down my face. the voices in the room were whispers in the dark. thoughts of my little girl playing on the swings and running around the yard playing tag with daddy. swimming in the pool and diving down to the bottom of the pool all by herself and comming up to the top with a smile that would brighen the darkest night, pride in this and so many other things she has done now run through my head. And still there was nothing else I could do, The thoughts of prayer were only for those that needed it, those in dispair. those that were hungry and needed food. But pray for my little girl, I could not even begin to pray. I felt that if I were to do that, then I was praying for my dispair. my selfless needs. Anna would have prayed for me. why could I not pray for her, she would have ask God in one of those heart felt prayers for her daddy.
Finally, the nurse came into the quite room and told us to follow her. Walking in silence, we approached a curtain and on the otherside my little girl lay on a small table with tubes, wires, iv's lifeless, medications keeping her asleep, at least I thought. but later the doctor told us that she was not asleep because of the meds. she just was not waking up. How helpless I felt. Just wanting to pick her up in my arms and hug her.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Babies daddy
Sorry its been a few days since my last post. Sometimes I have to step back and reqroup. Sorry about the things I said in my last blog. And thank's John.
Now back to my life. Its not much but it's mine. today reminded me just how wonderful the gift of life is. Why yes, a little baby boy was born just 3 weeks a go to, I am guessing a very happy mom. Or was it. let me see, the mother just happends to be 13 yr's old. which she had to have a C-section because her pelvic area is not yet developed. so she can not pass a baby out of her vigina. And so that just makes me want to ask. Where is the babies daddy???? where is the proud father. who is this man out wandering the streets looking to father another baby maybe with your daughter.
Now you may not like what I have said here. but it's ok for the 13 yr old to have a baby and what about the sperm donor. bet you don't think he's a bad guy. you pass him on the street and he looks at you and your young daughter walking next to you and smiles back at you, and you smile at him. it's ok because he did not say bad things about people on the blog. just me because I am out spoken. I say what you don't want to hear. you just think I am such an ass. but hey the sperm donor whom takes no responsiblity for anything, and bleeds off of the goverment system. yes when that 13 yr old girl goes down for goverment help guess who is going to get a part of the money. and hey if he get's more girls knocked up then hey he has got a nice pay check.
So why do I show so much anger. why do I hate people that pull this kind of crap. And yet when the bell rings who will be out there doing what ever I can to make your suffering and pain go away. Who will have compassion when I come into your house tonite and find your husband or wife lying there lifeless on the bed. and you look into my eyes and, you look for hope. will the sperm donor be there. what about that football player that you watched tonite. No. I will be this really warm loving caring guy... who get's so mad at people. but I won't stop doing what I do best. try and make the pain go away.
I have honor and pride, I stand tall when people look at me. I am not ashamed. I turn the other cheek when people are mean to me. So why am I the one who feels I suffer. And what about my family whom I hide my life from. They don't know. And will never know.
Oh and by the way, while we were there with the 13 year old was having stomach pain. the mother of this 13 year old was shopping at wal-mart and could not be bothered with this young girls problems, she continued to shop and did not think anymore about her daughter. or did she. NO SHE DID NOT> she lives off the system and when she got her goverment chesse check she was going shopping and nothing was going to stop her not even her sick daughter. But I am the asshole.
Now back to my life. Its not much but it's mine. today reminded me just how wonderful the gift of life is. Why yes, a little baby boy was born just 3 weeks a go to, I am guessing a very happy mom. Or was it. let me see, the mother just happends to be 13 yr's old. which she had to have a C-section because her pelvic area is not yet developed. so she can not pass a baby out of her vigina. And so that just makes me want to ask. Where is the babies daddy???? where is the proud father. who is this man out wandering the streets looking to father another baby maybe with your daughter.
Now you may not like what I have said here. but it's ok for the 13 yr old to have a baby and what about the sperm donor. bet you don't think he's a bad guy. you pass him on the street and he looks at you and your young daughter walking next to you and smiles back at you, and you smile at him. it's ok because he did not say bad things about people on the blog. just me because I am out spoken. I say what you don't want to hear. you just think I am such an ass. but hey the sperm donor whom takes no responsiblity for anything, and bleeds off of the goverment system. yes when that 13 yr old girl goes down for goverment help guess who is going to get a part of the money. and hey if he get's more girls knocked up then hey he has got a nice pay check.
So why do I show so much anger. why do I hate people that pull this kind of crap. And yet when the bell rings who will be out there doing what ever I can to make your suffering and pain go away. Who will have compassion when I come into your house tonite and find your husband or wife lying there lifeless on the bed. and you look into my eyes and, you look for hope. will the sperm donor be there. what about that football player that you watched tonite. No. I will be this really warm loving caring guy... who get's so mad at people. but I won't stop doing what I do best. try and make the pain go away.
I have honor and pride, I stand tall when people look at me. I am not ashamed. I turn the other cheek when people are mean to me. So why am I the one who feels I suffer. And what about my family whom I hide my life from. They don't know. And will never know.
Oh and by the way, while we were there with the 13 year old was having stomach pain. the mother of this 13 year old was shopping at wal-mart and could not be bothered with this young girls problems, she continued to shop and did not think anymore about her daughter. or did she. NO SHE DID NOT> she lives off the system and when she got her goverment chesse check she was going shopping and nothing was going to stop her not even her sick daughter. But I am the asshole.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
law braker
I did it again. I broke the law. I should be in jail. beatin with reeds' think about it. A black male with a new insulin. pump. lying there with jso. holding him while he has seizure's in the front of winn dixie. white male. with the abilithy to give this man what he needs' I could have started an INT. with a D50 push. and giving him the life saving drug that he needs' but wait what about rescue. where are they"
They are not yet on-scene. but this man need's D50 his pulse ox level. says that he is 88% o2 level. most of us are at 97% o2 level. so what do I do now. This man is dieing. and the family is standing over me saying save my son.. But the law say's do not start and INT and push D50 which would save this man's life and stop his convulsun.
What do you think happen"""??????????
They are not yet on-scene. but this man need's D50 his pulse ox level. says that he is 88% o2 level. most of us are at 97% o2 level. so what do I do now. This man is dieing. and the family is standing over me saying save my son.. But the law say's do not start and INT and push D50 which would save this man's life and stop his convulsun.
What do you think happen"""??????????
Friday, August 24, 2007
My hands are tied
After spending many hours on the phone last night, (about 20mins with a friend) I realized that sometimes changes is not always good.
It's like this, Paramedic have always done more things than an EMT can do. They start IV's and push medications and intubate as well as learn how to read cardiac rhythems on the monitor. And a few advanced skills needed for other emergency, And don't get me wrong that's what they went to paramedics school for. but the down side to this first the school. (9 months) and the fact that they are stuck in rescue for the rest of their career. as well as the headache of dealing with more report writing, So I guess it's not all the glamor that it sounds like.
Now I have riden with a lot of paramedics in my time on the job. and most will tell you they would rather have a good EMT with them when the stuff hit's the fan. And most EMT want to do a little bit more to make both jobs a little bit easier to do. So what's the problem well we (EMT) like our job we ride a combat company and go on all kinds of calls from bloody noses to child birth. I have seen more in my time then I ever care to share (MY CURSE) but throught it all I have strived to learn more to do more with out taking the paramedics progam. I just don't want to be one. I like what I do.
So here comes the hand tie. a directive was just put out stating the EMT were not to start IV. I know it sounds simple, but it's not. it's something that would make everyone's job easier, Check this out. 4:30am Engine and a rescue are called out to a male 40 years old unresponsive. apon arrival engine company find the wife up set that her husband won't wake up, after calming her down information is obtained that he is a diabetic, after checking his blood sugar level it's at 42 (normal is 80-120) which is why he now needs a boost of sugar. Since he won't wake up we can not give him anything by mouth. Now what? well I forgot to tell you that the rescue is comming from the hospital because durning the night they have had many calls and the next closet rescue is on the other side of the river so the rescue advises in route from the hospital. well that could take about 8 to 10 min's, Oh and don't forget the wife whom is waiting for you to do something to bring her husband out of this unresponsive state. NOPE CAN'T DO IT> I have all the stuff right there in my bag. IV's Dextrose50 it will give him what he needs. he could be up and talking by the time rescue get's there. Which means that the wife can take him to his doctor in the morning after feeding him and monitor him for the next couple of hours. But no. He will go to the hospital and set around there for about six hours clogging up the emergency room. where they will finaly tell him to go see his Regular doctor and sign him out 2 hours later.
Now that whole story was using a fictional charater I can not use real people in my story because I have a sworn oath that says I can't give out information, but this has happend more than 3 to 4 times a day everyday. Go to your local emergency room if you don't believe me. just look around. Now take this same story spread it out all of the city and you have rescues doning this all the time and transporting and clogging up the EMS system ,
So why does it not make scence to just give alittle more training and let us do what we know we can do. I tryed for seveal hours to rally support for this, so many people that I thought had a great education. and some level head understanding of the whole situation. I might as well have been talking to a wall. GOD I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!! So that's when I call my friend. maybe because he has a great way with words and maybe just a little weirdness about him that he might be able to help me put it into plain english. because I speak russian so well that now one here can understand me. lol.....
So John. I am sorry for the call. I just knew somehow you could help. and you did. and that's why I am writing this.
So please someone untie my hands and let me do what I am good at.
It's like this, Paramedic have always done more things than an EMT can do. They start IV's and push medications and intubate as well as learn how to read cardiac rhythems on the monitor. And a few advanced skills needed for other emergency, And don't get me wrong that's what they went to paramedics school for. but the down side to this first the school. (9 months) and the fact that they are stuck in rescue for the rest of their career. as well as the headache of dealing with more report writing, So I guess it's not all the glamor that it sounds like.
Now I have riden with a lot of paramedics in my time on the job. and most will tell you they would rather have a good EMT with them when the stuff hit's the fan. And most EMT want to do a little bit more to make both jobs a little bit easier to do. So what's the problem well we (EMT) like our job we ride a combat company and go on all kinds of calls from bloody noses to child birth. I have seen more in my time then I ever care to share (MY CURSE) but throught it all I have strived to learn more to do more with out taking the paramedics progam. I just don't want to be one. I like what I do.
So here comes the hand tie. a directive was just put out stating the EMT were not to start IV. I know it sounds simple, but it's not. it's something that would make everyone's job easier, Check this out. 4:30am Engine and a rescue are called out to a male 40 years old unresponsive. apon arrival engine company find the wife up set that her husband won't wake up, after calming her down information is obtained that he is a diabetic, after checking his blood sugar level it's at 42 (normal is 80-120) which is why he now needs a boost of sugar. Since he won't wake up we can not give him anything by mouth. Now what? well I forgot to tell you that the rescue is comming from the hospital because durning the night they have had many calls and the next closet rescue is on the other side of the river so the rescue advises in route from the hospital. well that could take about 8 to 10 min's, Oh and don't forget the wife whom is waiting for you to do something to bring her husband out of this unresponsive state. NOPE CAN'T DO IT> I have all the stuff right there in my bag. IV's Dextrose50 it will give him what he needs. he could be up and talking by the time rescue get's there. Which means that the wife can take him to his doctor in the morning after feeding him and monitor him for the next couple of hours. But no. He will go to the hospital and set around there for about six hours clogging up the emergency room. where they will finaly tell him to go see his Regular doctor and sign him out 2 hours later.
Now that whole story was using a fictional charater I can not use real people in my story because I have a sworn oath that says I can't give out information, but this has happend more than 3 to 4 times a day everyday. Go to your local emergency room if you don't believe me. just look around. Now take this same story spread it out all of the city and you have rescues doning this all the time and transporting and clogging up the EMS system ,
So why does it not make scence to just give alittle more training and let us do what we know we can do. I tryed for seveal hours to rally support for this, so many people that I thought had a great education. and some level head understanding of the whole situation. I might as well have been talking to a wall. GOD I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!! So that's when I call my friend. maybe because he has a great way with words and maybe just a little weirdness about him that he might be able to help me put it into plain english. because I speak russian so well that now one here can understand me. lol.....
So John. I am sorry for the call. I just knew somehow you could help. and you did. and that's why I am writing this.
So please someone untie my hands and let me do what I am good at.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Unknown
I guess I can't say what ever I want. if you offend someone. by saying the truth. hey that's not right how dare you say something that might offend someone. and when you do offend someone they want to find you and beat you up or worse. but that's ok. I guess a baseball bat to the head is nothing compared to offensives such as words, the truth. honesty, those are wrong but hey I can get a big crowed of people and picket outside your place of business or home and throw rocks at you or burn a cross in your front yard. but hey don't throw words at me cause thats the worst offense ever. drag them word thrower into a dark ally and beat him/or her to death. That's ok. because you didn't throw words or the truth out there.
Come on people. Think about it.
Come on people. Think about it.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Playing Cards
Why is it that, so many people play cards, I guess that when all you have left is to play the card that's what you do. Don't put me into the I hate Black people line, I have worked so hard all my life doing my best to save them. Yes I said them. I have been in the trenches with the boys in the hood. I have tryed to figure out what makes them tick. It's not about roots, or history or culture. It's about what can I get from the system. And when I play the race card, well everybody will coward down to me because they don't want Jessie Jackson to come into my town and start a riot and blackmale the system to make his pockets fatter. He is someone whom takes race and biggotry and turns a profit. Really if you want to say that I am a racist. Then you have to call most black a raceist too. Yes I said that. I said that black people can be just as bad as whites.
Have you ever really been around black people. Not african American's but black people. They want nothing for this county or others in this country but they want the American Dream without having to work for it. Yes they want what I have worked very hard for and made something for myself with out ever having to work for it. When was the last time you have been in a school with all blacks and watch what they do. No wonder all their schools are failing. And another thing. What about the parents. Excuse me Parent. Mother. That's the only one they know. Because The grandmothers. which aren't much older than 35 years old are the grandmothers because they worked the system and they can now tell their kids the way to work the system. Hey if you have a bunch of children and don't claim a daddy then you can have welfare. and the more kids you have the bigger the check. and hey don't worrie about the medical expense because the state will pick that up and hey don't worrie about educations because the state will pick that up and hey don't worrie about your son or daughter going out and getting into a gang because the state will burie them for free. Someone tell me please, But only after doing some research and come ride with me for a short while to see how most of the black poor live and what they do to get by. You just might be suprized I have so much more tell but like most American White people They don't want to hear the truth. They will call me a racist ..... Tell That Black 8 year old that I pulled out of a house fire. Or what about the five year old that I pumped on his chest for over 20 mins trying so hard. when my arms got tired and could not compress his heart any longer, Did I give up. No I kept going but I guess if I were a racist I would not have tryed to save his life. How many Young Black people have you saved today. Can you tell me. Well I can tell you . I kept count.
Have you ever really been around black people. Not african American's but black people. They want nothing for this county or others in this country but they want the American Dream without having to work for it. Yes they want what I have worked very hard for and made something for myself with out ever having to work for it. When was the last time you have been in a school with all blacks and watch what they do. No wonder all their schools are failing. And another thing. What about the parents. Excuse me Parent. Mother. That's the only one they know. Because The grandmothers. which aren't much older than 35 years old are the grandmothers because they worked the system and they can now tell their kids the way to work the system. Hey if you have a bunch of children and don't claim a daddy then you can have welfare. and the more kids you have the bigger the check. and hey don't worrie about the medical expense because the state will pick that up and hey don't worrie about educations because the state will pick that up and hey don't worrie about your son or daughter going out and getting into a gang because the state will burie them for free. Someone tell me please, But only after doing some research and come ride with me for a short while to see how most of the black poor live and what they do to get by. You just might be suprized I have so much more tell but like most American White people They don't want to hear the truth. They will call me a racist ..... Tell That Black 8 year old that I pulled out of a house fire. Or what about the five year old that I pumped on his chest for over 20 mins trying so hard. when my arms got tired and could not compress his heart any longer, Did I give up. No I kept going but I guess if I were a racist I would not have tryed to save his life. How many Young Black people have you saved today. Can you tell me. Well I can tell you . I kept count.
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